Poetry

[trauts]

[Annoying Snails Master]

Wow, nice site, Trauts.

[sandmann]

No site, but I guess I'll put some here. These are more songs than they are poems, as they do not follow a specific rhythm, some words are dragged while others are staccato.

Inch
Well if you were an inch more shallow
I'd be able to see your faintly beating heart
With whom you would so dearly part
If given such a chance, a little romance

But to dine here tonight, in the serpentine light
To eat your regrets if they're seasoned just right
Your friends are remedy, they prepare some acceptance
Wash away the guilt, it's your daily repentance

Slip deeper, it’s the sweet pool you’ve dug yourself
The one you drowned yourself in years ago
The hill grows steeper, your faith grows weaker
And you succumb to the swift, mind-numbing flow



Land of the Damned

The monolith stands, a monument to others’ ideas
One hundred seven stories, but more tales to tell
The windows hold the outside world out
But they’re not walls, they can’t stop everything
The will of a million people, the idea of one
Force his way in with a couple of guns
And end 107 stories before their last paragraph
Made a hundred blank pages where writing would stand
Who can do this, one man, with only one hand
One finger, to pull the trigger, to make graveyards bigger
The land of the damned

The cold steel of society, pressed into the skin of propriety
He was forced to be this way, if you ask him, he’d say
It’s your fault, you raised me this way, I’m your child
The video games taught him it doesn’t hurt
The TV shows showed the right way to live
He’s the product of our culture, clean as dirt
Now he jumps from his ledge, to land in your hand
The land of the damned



Intermittent Ringing Noise

Well, I guess it’s just as well
While we’re all here, they’re in hell
I never knew where I’d go
But I’m here, and it’s just as well

If you live the right way, you’re there
I guess I really shouldn’t care
But for you, my friend, it’s in the air
Just go there, go there

If you follow, aren’t you leading?
The person behind you’s bleeding
And now you hear him screaming
But even still you’re breathing
And I can’t stop believing
That misery’s misleading
Happiness is fleeting
In this world, wide and greedy

The lives we draw out
On this old legal pad
With this fading red pen
We see where we’ve been
We think to where we’re going
We see ourselves there
But do you really care?

For you, my friend, it’s in the air



This one is a work in progress, this is all I have:

Time is the water that drips down my drain
Some other man’s trouble, some other man’s pain
I can’t handle the future, cuz it never lasts
The only time I can control is my past




All of them are works in progress, they are my first songs/poems so of course they suck ass. Tell me how they are keeping that in mind.

[sandmann]

And trauts, with the risk of being a little too critical, I'd like to offer some... well, criticism of your poems. You may want to try a new, less structured format for future poems, especially one that allows for more sylables per line. One of the weaknesses of your poetry seems to be the restricted nature of their structure; that is, no large, expressive sentences can fully develop. I'm not saying that short, declarative sentences is an ineffective style, just that you may want to consider trying something different.

That is not a criticism of the poems themselves actually... It is more of a suggestion for expanding your horizons a bit. It may add variety and more depth and effectiveness to your poetry.